Nursery Crimes
by jack63kids
Summary: Well known English Nursery Rhymes with a Sherlock twist. Don't blame me - blame AlessNox! And with thanks to Ennui E, who reminded me I need to cite sources, even if anon. Not sure whether it's a good thing or not, but this bit of mindless fluff is getting more reviews, favs and follows than the stuff I try hard at! Should I be insulted! ? ! ;-D
1. Itsy Bitsy - Incy Wincy

**The Sun is a British newspaper known for it's gossip - and its apologies years after the event.**

* * *

**Based on the traditional children's nursery rhyme, _Itsy, Bitsy Spider_ aka _Incy, Wincy Spider_ - Anon.**

**Itsy, Bitsy Spider**

_**Witty, bitty Sherlock**_  
_**Climbed up St Barts**_  
_**Down came the virgin**_  
_**And broke the doctor's heart**_

_**Out came the Sun**_  
_**And dried up all the lies**_  
_**And witty, bitty Sherlock**_  
_**Took off his cool disguise**_


	2. Bah! Bah! Humbug!

**Based on the traditional nursery rhyme, Baa, Baa, Black Sheep - anon  
**

**Bah! Bah! Humbug!**

**_Bah! Bah! Sherlock_**  
**_Have you any clues?_**  
**_Yes Doc, yes Doc, three bodybags full_**

**_One from the Professor_**  
**_And one from Mycroft_**  
**_And one for the Baker Street boys who live in a loft!_**

**- no idea why, it's late**


	3. The Doc - to My Grandfather's Clock

**_Based on _My Grandfather's Clock_ - if you don't know it then check it out on YouTube, or the tune and rhythm will not make sense. Would you believe that Johnny Cash does a version! Enjoy!_ **

**John Watson, the Doc, was too good for the troops,**  
**So he joined the medical corps;**  
**He was purer by half than Sherlock himself,**  
**Though he'd shot someone when not at war.**  
**John saw he was real smart on the day they met at Barts,**  
**Became Sherlock's colleague and friend;**  
_**But he stopped short — never to blog again —**_  
_**When Sher-lock died.**_

**CHORUS:**  
**_Ninety days without slumbering_**  
**_(tick, tick, tick, tick),_**  
**_His texts he is numbering,_**  
**_(click, click, ping, ping),_**  
**_He stopped short — never to blog again —_**  
**_When Sher-lock died._**

**In watching the detective deduce and show,**  
**Many hours had he spent quite annoyed;**  
**And in London and Devon the Doc seemed to know**  
**And to share both his grief and his joy.**  
**For he never did moan when Lestrade texted on the phone,**  
**With a tricky and difficult case;**  
_**But he stopped short — never to blog again —**_  
_**When Sher-lock died.**_

**CHORUS**

**Sherlock Holmes always said that of those he could hire,**  
**Not a servant so faithful he found;**  
**For he wasted no time, and had but one desire —**  
**At the close of each case - like the Hound -**  
**That he wrote in his blog — all the cases they had slogged**  
**And his gun never hung by his side.**  
_**But he stopped short — never to blog again —**_  
_**When Sher-lock died.**_

**CHORUS**

**He rang John's mobile in the thick of his plight —**  
**An alarm that for years had been dumb;**  
**And we knew that his spirit was pluming for flight —**  
**That his hour of departure had come.**  
**He texted no more crimes, with their soft and muffled chimes,**  
**As we silently stood by his side;**  
_**And he stopped short — never to blog again —**_  
_**When Sher-lock died.**_


	4. Teddy Bears! ? !

**Based on the traditional children's nursery rhyme, _Round and Round the Garden_ (_Like a Teddy Bear_)**

**_Round and round Westminster_**  
**_With him - Sherlock Holmes_**  
**_One shot_**  
**_Two shots_**  
**_Text on your mobile phones!_**


	5. Mocking-Gaol-Bird

**Based on the tradition children's nursery rhyme, _Hush Little Baby_ (_Hush little baby, don't say a word; Pappa's gonna buy you a mockingbird_) by Peter, Paul and Mary. Johnny Cash's version is well worth a listen on YouTube.  
**

**Mocking-Gaol-Bird**

_**Hush Moriarty, don't say a word**_  
_**Sherlock's onto you if you're overheard**_

_**And if he overhears your plan,**_  
_**Sherlock's gonna stop you if he can**_

_**And when he stops you in your tracks**_  
_**Sherlock's gonna slice you like an axe**_

_**And if Sherlock's axe is slightly blunt**_  
_**You know who will get the brunt**_

_**The brunt of their anger and with Scotland Yard**_  
_**Sherlock's gonna bring down your house of cards**_

_**And if I don't read your cards wrong**_  
_**Sherlock's getting help from a doctor named John**_

_**And if that Doc named Watson won't tire**_  
_**Together they'll pull down your lawless empire **_

_**But if your lawless empire falls down**_  
_**You'll still be the only consulting criminal in town**_

* * *

Hush, little baby, don't say a word.  
Papa's gonna buy you a mockingbird

And if that mockingbird won't sing,  
Papa's gonna buy you a diamond ring

And if that diamond ring turns brass,  
Papa's gonna buy you a looking glass

And if that looking glass gets broke,  
Papa's gonna buy you a billy goat

And if that billy goat won't pull,  
Papa's gonna buy you a cart and bull

And if that cart and bull turn over,  
Papa's gonna buy you a dog named Rover

And if that dog named Rover won't bark  
Papa's gonna buy you a horse and cart

And if that horse and cart fall down,  
You'll still be the sweetest little baby in town.


	6. Bobby Shafto

**Adapted from ****_Bobby Shafto_****. Traditional English folk song dating to early 1800s.**

_**Sherlock Holmes has gone to seed,**_  
_**Fell so far he can't be saved.**_  
_**He'll come back and then they'll bleed.**_  
_**Canny Sherlock Holmes!**_

_**Sherlock Holmes is smart and more,**_  
_**Soon we'll see the final score**_  
_**He'll solve crimes for evermore.**_  
_**Canny Sherlock Holmes!**_


	7. The Time has Come

**_"The time has come," Sherlock said_**  
**_"To talk of many things:_**  
**_Of clues- and whips- And criminals tracks-_**  
**_Of antiquities- and Mings-_**  
**_And why Moriarty is raving mad-_**  
**_And whether texts should ping."_**  
**- Sherlock Holmes, AU**

* * *

"The time has come," The walrus said  
To talk of many things:  
Of shoes- and ships- And sealing wax-  
Of cabbages and kings-  
And why the sea is boiling hot-  
And whether pigs have wings."  
― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

* * *

**_Mrs Hudson would like it on record that her vote is for pinging texts over the alternative, Thank you!_**


	8. THEME TUNE: Robin Hood of Westminster

_**Sherlock Holmes, Sherlock Holmes, Riding in a cab**_;  
_**Sherlock Holmes, Sherlock Holmes, What's in that evidence bag?**_  
_**Tolerated by the Yard! Scoffed at by Mycroft!**_  
_**Sherlock Holmes, Sherlock Holmes, Sherlock Holmes ...**_

**He's called the Great Detective in rooms on Baker Street**,  
**He's vowed to help Lestrade when perplexed**;  
**He's solved all the cases on the London city beat**,  
**And still found plenty of time to text**-

_**Sherlock Holmes, Sherlock Holmes, John Watson by his side**_  
_**Sherlock Holmes, Sherlock Holmes, He'll take you for a ride**_  
_**Tolerated by Lestrade! Distrusted by the Super!**_  
_**Sherlock Holmes, Sherlock Holmes, Sherlock Holmes ...**_

**He left the press con-****_fer_****-ence with a cute deer stalker hat**  
**A celeb never looking for this fame**  
**His bow was already ready and he kept his violin tuned**  
**On the side of the angels - ****_and he's vain!_**

_**Sherlock Holmes, Sherlock Holmes, He's a piece of work!**_  
_**Sherlock Holmes, Sherlock Holmes, Some say he's a jerk!**_  
_**Discredited in the news! Sacked by the Yard!**_  
_**Sherlock Holmes, Sherlock Holmes, Sherlock Holmes ...**_

* * *

Based on the theme tune for the 50s series of Robin Hood - watch?v=2w7ALMIUy74


	9. You're in the CIA

**You're with the CIA**  
**Who will you ****_not_**** betray?**  
**You'll never get John, **  
**By texting his phone**  
**You're with the CIA**.

**He's with the police guard**  
**He really isn't hard**  
**He'll never get rich**  
**on the salary which**  
**They pay at Scotland Yard**.

**We're eating Chinese food**  
**And when we're in the mood**  
**We know what it means**  
**To be loyal to the Queen**  
**The old red, white and blue.**

**I'm driven everywhere**  
**Does frightful things to my hair**  
**I guess that you've heard?**  
**I play Angry Birds**  
**All day, to be fair.**

**He's in our MI5**  
**And lucky to be alive**  
**A bit of a queen**  
**The man's a machine**  
**He's ****_is_**** our MI5**

**She's left self doubt behind**  
**I wonder if she still minds -**  
**When Sherlock is rude**  
**Insults and is crude?**  
**Her morgue is his shrine.**

**At Baker Street we'll hear**  
**"I'm not your housekeeper, dear!**  
**Are those human eyes?**  
**What a nasty surprise!**  
**I'm just your land-la-dy!"**

**We're patient as can be**  
**Awaiting series three**  
**The Moff and Gatiss**  
**Are taking the - Michael!**  
_**When will the airing be?**_

* * *

_We're in the Army now.  
We're not behind a plow.  
We'll never get rich  
diggin' a ditch.  
We're in the Army now._

We're in the Army now.  
We're in the Army now.  
We'll never get rich  
on the salary which  
We get in the army now.

We're eating Army grub.  
And let me tell you bub,  
We know what it means  
They're feeding us beans  
We're in the Army now.

We're marching everywhere.  
It's getting in our hair.  
We follow the rules  
and follow the mules  
We're in the Army now.

We're in the Army now.  
We're making dough, and how!  
On twenty-one bucks  
Who says we're bucks/(fucked?) ?  
We're in the Army now.

We left our wives behind  
I wonder if they mind?  
Who gives a hang?  
We're with the gang,  
We're in the Army now.

No more we'll have to hear,  
"How late will you be, dear?"  
We go where we please.  
And do what we please.  
We're in the Army now.

We're happy as can be.  
Have lots of company.  
The cooties at night  
Drop in for a bite.  
We're in the Army now.


	10. SONG: New England

**Not strictly speaking a nursery rhyme, but wanted somewhere to put this.**

**Based on Billy Bragg's ****_New England_****; watch?v=aCfRcgoPxTw.**

_**Was at 221B when I wrote my blog**_  
_**I'm in a cab now, driving through a smog**_  
_**People asked Sherlock when he'd grow up & get a life**_  
_**But all the cops who're from the Yard**_  
_**Treat me like I am his wife**_

_**I blogged cases then as I'd blog them still**_  
_**Tho I put him on a pedestal**_  
_**He did it for the thrill**_  
_**Mycroft felt bad about letting Jim know**_  
_**And I feel sad about letting him go**_

_**I don't want to change the world**_  
_**I'm not looking for new cases**_  
_**I'm just looking for Sherlock Holmes**_

_**I loved the words you'd text to me**_  
_**'Might be dangerous' - that first day**_  
_**I can't survive on what you text**_  
_**And now you sound quite perplexed**_

_**We saw a shooting star that night**_  
_**You observed it, but it was only counterfeit**_  
_**It's wrong to fake a work of art**_  
_**And Wenceslas became a nark**_*

_**I don't want to change the world**_  
_**I'm not looking for new cases**_  
_**I'm just looking for Sherlock Holmes**_  
_**(Looking for Sherlock Holmes) x3**_

***Nark = grass, stool pigeon**


	11. The Mouse's Tale: Version the First

_**The concrete poem in the shape of a tail which my Sherlocking is based on, was the original written by Lewis Carol for Alice in Wonderland - it was not the one he finally published, however, but fits itself well to a Baker Street setting, so I haven't let that stop me.**_

* * *

**We lived on Baker Street,**  
**Keen and smug and neat,**  
**But one crook, to beat**  
**Was the Cheat!**  
**_**  
**To our joys**  
**a clue, in**  
**our mugs a**  
**brew. Trouble**  
**will ensue.**  
**With his Crew!**  
**_**  
**When the **  
**Cheat's away.**  
**Then his mice**  
**will**  
**play,**  
**But Hurrah!**  
**one day, (So they say)**  
**_**  
**Came Sherlock to**  
**meet Lestrade**  
**on the **  
**beat,**  
**Crushed **  
**the mice**  
**all flat**  
**Each**  
**one**  
**as**  
**they**  
**squeaked**  
**Down on Baker Street**  
**Keen and smug and neat**  
**What a treat!**

* * *

We lived beneath the mat,  
Warm and snug and fat,  
But one woe, and that  
Was the Cat!

To our joys  
a clog, in  
our eyes a  
fog. On our  
hearts a fog.  
Was the Dog!

When the  
Cat's away.  
Then mice  
will  
play,  
But Alas!  
one day, (So they say)

Came the Dog and  
Cat, hunting  
for a  
rat,  
Crushed  
the mice  
all flat  
Each  
one  
as  
they  
sat  
Underneath the mat  
Warm and snug and fat  
Think of that!


	12. SONG: Only the Good Die

_**Only the Good Die ...!**_

_**Come out Sherlock Holmes, don't let me wait,**_  
_**Boarding school boys shouldn't start so late,**_  
_**Aw, but sooner or later it comes down to fate,**_  
_**I might as well be the one.**_

_**Well, they showed you a body, told you to deduce,**_  
_**Won't do you much good with me on the lose,**_  
_**Aw, and don't ever think you can sort out a truce**_  
_**'cos that just would not be fun,**_  
_**One of you might die young,**_  
_**That's what I said,**_  
_**one of you might die young,**_  
_**I might just kill one.**_

_**I heard you like to run with a 'dangerous' crowd,**_  
_**Anderson ain't too pretty, Lestrade ain't too proud,**_  
_**John might be laughing a bit too loud,**_  
_**aw, but that never hurt no one.**_

_**So come on Sherlock Holmes, give me a clue,**_  
_**Text me a message, or your friends will be glue,**_  
_**The deer-stalker hat that you're wearing askew**_  
_**always gets in the Sun,**_  
_**Sherlock, only the good die young.**_  
_**I tell ya,**_  
_**only the good die young,**_  
_**Only the good die young.**_

_**You got some human eyes and a head in your refrigerator,**_  
_**You got a brand new skull,**_  
_**mmm, and a herring gull,**_  
_**But Sherlock Holmes, they didn't give you quite enough information,**_  
_**You didn't side with me**_  
_**You should be siding with Moriarty.**_  
_**On the side of the angels - you know that I ain't,**_  
_**Some say I'm bitter, well I am no saint,**_  
_**I'd rather wear Vivien Westwood than some head restraint,**_  
_**Psychiatric is not much fun.**_

_**You know that only the good die young.**_  
_**Whoa, oh, Sherlock,**_  
_**That's what I said,**_  
_**I tell ya,**_  
_**only the good die young,**_  
_**Only the good die young.**_

_**Said, that Mycroft told you, "All that I could give you was a reputation,"**_  
_**Aw, he arrested me,**_  
_**but he never, ever bested me!**_  
_**Come out, come out, come out, Sherlock, don't make me wait,**_  
_**You Eton schooled boys - in the closet this late!**_  
_**Sooner or later it comes down to fate,**_  
_**I might as well be the one,**_  
_**You know that only the good die young.**_

_**Tell you Sherlock,**_  
_**You know that only the good die young, **_  
_**One of you might die young,**_  
_**Only the good,**_  
_**one of you will die young,**_  
_**Some of you will die young,**_  
_**All of you will die young.**_

* * *

**_Only the Good Die Young _****- Billy Joel**

watch?v=zhjNm20XbXw


	13. Here's the Church

_**Here's Sherlock, with his hands steepled**_,  
_**Close the door he doesn't like people.**_  
_**Here's the doctor going upstairs**_,  
_**Mycroft kidnaps him unawares.**_

_**Here's Lestrade at Scotland Yard**_,  
_**Consult Sherlock Holmes 'cos he's your top trump card**_.  
_**Close the doors and let him work,**_  
_**Open the doors Moriarty's berserk.**_

* * *

_**Here's the Church - finger rhyme**_  
Here's the church, and here's the steeple  
Open the door and see all the people.  
Here's the parson going upstairs,  
And here he is saying his prayers.

_**Alternative Version**_

"Here's the church and here's the steeple.  
Open the doors and see all the people.  
Close the doors and let them pray,  
open the doors and they've all gone away!"


	14. SONG: Baker Street

**_Running around here on Baker Street,_**  
**_Gun in his hand with Loakes on his feet._**  
**_Well another crazy day_**  
**_You'll sleuth the night away_**  
**_While not grasping a single thing._**

**_The Scotland Yard boys treat Sherlock so cold,_**  
**_He may be so conceited but he's got a soul._**  
**_And it's taking them so long_**  
**_To find out they were wrong_**  
**_When they thought they'd solved everything._**

**_John used to think that Mycroft was gentry  
Sherlock says that it is elementary  
But John's bemused  
Feels, he's used now  
Another clue and then he'll be clearer  
Just one more case and one more step nearer  
But he's confused  
And misused now._**

**_On Baker street is their landlady's base,_**  
**_She opens the door she's got that look on her face._**  
**_And she asks them where they've been,_**  
**_They say 'to see the Queen',_**  
**_And she doesn't believe a thing._**

**_Harry's got a dream about changing her life_**  
**_She's gonna, give up the booze and the common law wife_**  
**_Then she'll send a moan to her brother's mobile phone_**  
**_And tell him 'bout everything._**

**_But Sherlock Holmes will always keep thinkin'_**  
**_And Harry's never gonna stop drinkin'_**  
**_But John's moral_**  
**_He's Balmoral's guard_**

**_And when you wake up it's a new mission_**  
**_Criminals guilty beyond suspicion_**  
**_They're goin'_**  
**_They're goin' down!_**

* * *

**_Baker Street_**** - Jerry Rafferty**

** watch?v=ZsXjCp_f1h4**


	15. Gunpowder Plot

**November 5th is known by a number of different names in England - Guy Fawkes Night, Bonfire Night, Fireworks Night or just November 5th - every English school child knows some version of the rhyme below; at least the first two lines of the first verse anyway. **

**It's the day we celebrate the foiling of the plan by anti-parliament groups to blow up the Houses of Parliament. Guy Fawkes was found in the cellars below, with several barrels of explosives.**

**Celebrations usually have similar elements: a bonfire, fireworks and a 'Guy' which is a near to life size replica of Guy Fawkes, who was actually a hired for the job and not a fanatic himself. Children used to take the 'Guy' around, saying 'a penny for the Guy' to raise money to pay for the fireworks - these days we tend to have organised displays and you see that a lot less. The poor 'Guy' is burnt during the evening on the bonfire. There were worse versions of this in some parts of the country where an effigy of the Pope was burnt as the plot was carried out by Roman Catholics.**

**Traditionally we eat baked potatoes, but I think that is more to do with cooking them in the embers of the bonfire and so more practical than symbolic. Toffee apples are also popular, when half your tooth doesn't end up in one as happened to me this year.**

* * *

**_Surrender, surrender, you Empire defenders,_**  
**_Moriarty's perjuring plot;_**  
**_I see of no reason Sherlock's first season_**  
**_Should ever be forgot._**

**_Rich Brooks, Rich Brooks,_**  
**_'He's so cru-el._**  
**_Tried to blow up our John at the swimming pool._**  
**_John's there wearing an explosive vest,_**  
**_Presents Sherlock with his latest test._**

* * *

Remember, remember, the 5th of November  
The Gunpowder Treason and plot;  
I see of no reason why Gunpowder Treason  
Should ever be forgot.

Guy Fawkes, Guy Fawkes,  
'Twas his intent.  
To blow up the King and the Parliament.  
Three score barrels of powder below.  
Poor old England to overthrow.


	16. SONG: Say Hello Text Goodbye

**Say Hello Text Goodbye**

_**Standing in the door of St Barts Hospital**_  
_**Texting in the rain**_  
_**It was a kind of flat share deal**_  
_**And I'm going to make sure John never sees that blood stain**_  
_**John and I**_  
_**We had to be**_  
_**The standing joke at the Yard**_  
_**He was an Army Doc**_  
_**Suff'ring from shell shock**_  
_**Psychologically scarred**_

_**Jim tried to play it cool**_  
_**Down at the swimming pool**_  
_**Caught me in a trap**_  
_**(Well he just won't give up)**_  
_**John with explosive vest**_  
_**Soon he'll be wearing less**_  
_**People will talk, you'll see**_  
_**I put up with all Jim's scenes**_  
_**And this is one scene**_  
_**That's going to be played my way**_

_**Stand your snipers down**_  
_**I won't be beat by you, you clown**_  
_**Take a look at your text**_  
_**From the Woman**_  
_**Has something for you**_  
_**You'll never kill me**_  
_**Say hello goodbye**_

_**Say hello, text goodbye**_

_**Snipers have aimed red lights**_  
_**I can see when Moriarty gloats**_  
_**Hey my friend John, anyone one would perspire**_  
_**So take off that unbecoming coat**_  
_**What about me- well**_  
_**I'll find someone**_  
_**That's not wearing much but a smile**_  
_**A nice dominatrix**_  
_**Who'll fool me with subtle tricks**_  
_**Then she'll keep texting my mobile**_

_**Stand your snipers down ...**_  
_**...**_  
_**We've been flat mates**_  
_**For quite a while now**_  
_**And to keep you clued in has been fun**_  
_**Not strangers meeting for the first time, okay?**_  
_**Just smile and say nothing**_  
_**Say hello then text goodbye**_

_**Come at once, if convenient! (x4)**_  
_**Say hello - text goodbye**_  
_**Could be dangerous, SH**_  
_**Say hello text goodbye**_  
_**Goodbye**_  
_**Say goodbye**_  
_**Say goodbye**_

_**Goodbye ...**_

* * *

**_Say Hello Wave Goodbye -_**** Softcell**

watch?v=dPhmVDwj0gQ


End file.
